Department of Homeland Security.
Hey, dude! Who'm I speaking to?
Who wants to know?
Come onnnn...you're not fooling anybody.
Oh, all right. Hello, AJ. It's WHITE SHADOW. What can we do to you? Sorry. "For." I meant "for" you.
Listen, here's the thing -- we just got a new answering machine --
Hmm. Yes, so you did. Major brand, all-digital, pretty nice. 'Bout time, too. You've had the old one for the past decade.
But the thing is --
On the cheap side, but there you are. By the way, we all love your outgoing messages. Very funny. Yoda was my personal favorite, though Darth Cheney was very popular hereabouts.
Oh -- umm, thanks! Thing is, though, unlike our old analog machine, apparently this one allows you to delete a new message before you heard it...then won't let you retrieve it. I mean, at all, no matter what you do.
I suppose it does. I mean, if you're completely retarded.
Heh. Yeah, that's me. But what I was wondering --
So sorry, AJ. No can do. I mean don't get me wrong, I'd like to.
Awww...I was afraid you'd say something like that.
Yes, well, see here's the thing: if I told you who called, then you'd know I know, right?
But I already --
And then post about it. Come on, tell me I'm right.
No! No, I promise I wouldn't post about it. Hell, I'm about giving up on political posts, anyway. The people who can hear me have already heard me, and nobody else can hear me. I've gotta hand it to you guys -- great job domesticating the population. Even with "wrong direction" at like seventy percent!, such determination to keep believing most of what you guys tell them -- I mean, on any given day!, 'cause it changes! -- all the while insisting they're independent thinkers. I'll never understand how you manage that.
Oh of course you do. Magick words: they turn off thinking every time. Works like a charm.
Umm -- okay, yeah, I didn't mean I literally didn't understand --
Want to bring back racism, sexism, homophobia? Define their opposites as "political correctness," and congratulate those "brave" enough to be bigots. They high five themselves for daring to be stupid. It's amazing.
Yeah...okay. But, see --
Want to repeal the Bill of Rights? Redefine their liberties as "pre-9/11 thinking," while promising you'll reinstate them just as soon as there are no dangers left anywhere on the entire earth, long after they're all dead. "Sounds fair!" they'll say. And when, inevitably, some few folks notice what you're doing --
Dude. About that missed call?
-- use the "nuclear option": redefine reality itself as a "conspiracy theory." It's astonishing. They will literally watch you work in concert to steal them blind, they will hear all the details, see people convicted in court (we're still working on the courts, dammit) of conspiring against them -- remember Enron? -- and they would STILL rather DIE than "believe in a conspiracy theory." They simultaneously hate "Big Government" FOR working together against them, intruding on every aspect of their lives, lying directly into their faces -- AND refuse to believe in "conspiracy theories"! I mean it, man, you can't make this shit up. Well, actually you can, but you know what I --
Helps when you own the media, of course. But now I'm just bragging. Sorry, where were we?
Oh, yes, my bad. Your deleted call. Sorry, AJ -- can't help you. I don't make the rules.
Okay. Well, worth a try, anyway. Thanks, WHITE SHADOW.
Don't mention it. Oh, word to the wise? Call your mom.
93 93/93 -- AJ